Attack on Puns
by Dragonmorph
Summary: It was a beautiful day outside the walls. The high-ranking officers in the Scouting Legion were enjoying it while it lasted, however, they found themselves with a dire situation: Punitis. What a terrible PUNishment to endure! / Plot-less fill/story where it's basically an excuse to make SNK puns.
1. I hope you have EREN in your lungs

**A/N: Here, readers, have something I wrote on Ao3 over a year ago, but I haven't updated since. I'm considering starting it up again because puns.** **Sorry if the format is off. I was too lazy to go fix it, LOL.**

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The Scouting Legion's officers had sneaked out at night for an emergency meeting. Being stealthy was one thing, but managing to stay awake while doing so was a whole different matter. No caffeine or anything for these exhausted higher-ups.

Levi's eyes had drooped more than usual, and Hanji was the one to fall asleep on top on him which startled the shorter man and a minor bicker broke out until Erwin had to quiet them before the soldiers were affected by the commotion.

"I wish those brats knew how it feels to be awake at one in the morning." grunted Levi who yawned shortly afterwards.

"Enough," Erwin warned. "we're here to discuss the problem more troublesome than titans. Rather, he is partially a titan due to whatever his dad had cooked down in the basement, so I guess he is as bad as titans-"

"Oh, get on with it!"

The commander was interrupted, but he reluctantly paused his rambling. He started up again a moment later, "It is a rare disease that messes with people's speeches and makes them say the worst jokes in history." The others gasped as he dramatically leaned into the table. "It is called Punitis." His eyes focused on Hanji who was slow to see the cue.

"R-Right!" Hanji said with a note cracking in her voice. "Punitis doesn't do any harm to the host, but it does affect those hearing the host's pun within earshot. It can be contagious which is why we must stop it."

"Can you repeat that again? I can't smell what you are trying to warn us about." Mike said.

Hanji snickered, "I guess Erwin needs to get...a _mike_ -crophone!"

The whole room, minus Hanji gasped, as they turned upon her. She had punitis and it was spreading already!

* * *

(Later that day, elsewhere)

"...and when he forgot to get his blades, I told him, 'You should be _Armin_ yourself!'"

His squad-mates groaned miserably when it seemed they couldn't escape Eren and the punitis infection. They were fortunate not to have gotten the symptoms, but the symptoms were more tolerable than the constant pun-making their friend had been doing. Some managed to sneak away with major success, and others felt glued to his words and his voice by force because nobody wanted to anger the Jaeger kid.

Mikasa was the first one to leave, and that was highly unusual for her. Nobody knew the story on why she ditched him when he got the worst of the punitis, but the only words involved "Mi Casa" and "Mikasa". The majority knew how it played out.

Eren was currently making Armin puns:

"Put your _Armin_ , put your Arminout!"  
"You _shota_ looked younger, Armin!"  
"We _Armin-t_ to be together."  
"You look sweet like smarties usually taste."

-The last one terrified the blond to bits until he learned later that smarties were a type of candy. Fortunately, Eren had no romantic interest in him either. That would have made it twice as awkward.

Most people who could finally muster up the courage to leave pried away from the awful nonsense until Eren was alone. It stung to know people distanced themselves from him, but he couldn't stop making puns.

Another day included Sasha stringing her bow when Eren walked up beside her and whispered, "You are _Sasha_ talented archer."

Sasha was about to scream when she held up an arrow.

"Wowie, don't _point_ that at me!" Eren squeaked as he backed away.

He still continued to pun, but punitis is contagious.

 **Fin.**

* * *

Bonus:

Armin was looking at Annie's body cocooned in the crystal. He sighed wistfully; engrossed in his thoughts without realizing Eren coming down the stairs and sneaking up beside him. The blond was startled both by the physical contact - a hand on his shoulder - and the fact this was Eren under the influence of bad punnery.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Eren said softly. Armin was nearly about to breathe relief at this comment until..., "I didn't know _Annie_ -thing about your relationship with her, but now, it's _crystal-clear_."

Armin kicked Eren on the shin, and then ran away sobbing.


	2. Horsin' Around

"If the commander of the Garrison had freckles, would he be called ' _Dot_ s'?" Jean asked Marco after uttering at least five puns about freckles. Ymir would have _pun_ ched him in the face if he even dared to say anything to her so Jean's poor friend was forced to fake a smile and endure the pain.

"Jean," Marco groaned, "You hate puns! How did you even catch punitis?"

-

(Earlier that day)

"Isn't it _pasture_ bedtime, Horseface?" Eren taunted; still punning. He did pun a lot, but it did not mean he didn't lose his temper over Jean doing whatever Jean did best. Which was...Nobody knew for sure anymore.

"Quit those stupid puns!" Jean snapped, "and I'm old enough to know when curfew is."

The other boy leaned in, "Quit _horsin'_ around and head to bed then."

"Listen here you little-" An excessive amount of pain channeled into his hand and through his arm as he screamed, "Mother of Epona. Eren bit me!"

It took awhile for anyone to dare approach, but Mikasa blankly pulled the sharp teeth off of bleeding skin and dragged her brother away from the scene.

-

(Present day)

"C'mon, let me enter your _Mi Casa_." Jean whispered; stuttering a few times before he finally tried to flirt with, well, you obviously know who.

"..."

Mikasa gritted her teeth, and she tried to avoid the constant exposure of puns. She was positive her ears would need cleansing after this punitis episode had ceased. First Eren, and of course Jean had to catch the disease himself.

"I promise not to _casa_ lot of trouble if we hang out together." he promised. "Just for a day? It would be a great _day_ -te."

"..." Her eyes narrowed at this point. She assumed he made dozens of puns because his voice got a little... _horse_. Oh no! She's starting to make puns too. She must flee before its too late. And she never really wanted to _mare_ -y this horse. Great, she made another pun.

Jean panicked on trying to impress Mikasa so he turned around to recollect his thoughts. He wanted to be very _Thorough_ bred on why he wanted her as his Valen _titan_. The moment he turned back around, he realized she had took the moment to flee. Dejected, he headed back to torture...I mean talk with Marco about horses.

"I like _pun_ ies." stated Jean.

"...Don't you mean 'ponies'?" amended Marco, hesitant and terrified.

"No."

After that, Marco cried himself to sleep, and he was plagued with nightmares (ahaha, get it? mare *eaten*) about Jean making half-jokes until his soul left his body one day and saw his half-eaten body. Jean was a seer and Marco thought: you gotta be _seer_ ious.

THE END.

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BONUS:

Armin thought he avoided Eren's presence until the brunet showed up with a witty grin on his face. "ARMIN _ALERT_!" He shouted loudly. "Oh wait, false alarm."


End file.
